Tim's Home - Humor

Funny Facts

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes. ewww

Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur, not glass. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

A person is more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider

Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.

A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA

Of all the words in the English language, the word set has the most definitions

Michael Jordan would have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying

A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court

In the manned space programme's early days, Nasa spent $1.2 million to develop a pen that wrote upside down. The Russians used a pencil.

The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots

Bulls are colorblind, therefore will usually charge at a matador's waving cape no matter what color it is

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave

People fear public speaking more than death

China has more English speakers than the United States

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue... ugh

Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung

Karaoke means ''tone deaf'' in japanese

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.

Emus cannot walk backwards.

The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY.

There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen blimps are in the United States.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of "F."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and Australia have participated in every Olympics.

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound.

Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonald's.

Giraffes have no vocal cords.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize.

Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.

Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.

The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl.

The only two days of the year in which there are no North American professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured

Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition.

Funny Signs

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:

MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Church bulletin:

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Jokes

A waiter, at the end of taking lunch orders from a party of three men, asks "and to drink?" "Water," says the first patron. "Water for me, too," says the second. "I'll have water, also," says the third, "and make sure my glass is clean!" The waiter comes back with three glasses of water on a tray and asks "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

The golfers wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed. "There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an F in sex.

A guy calls home from work and a strange woman answers the phone. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Oh. Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just naturally figured was her husband." He'd always suspected, but now he knows. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." "$50,000? Really?" "Yes." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh... is this 832-4821?"